dunkman

Never wear tweed. Ignore people who say “respect your elders”…. Try and respect everybody, its nicer. Do not respect Mick Hucknall from Simply Red though as he is a fat cunt. At least once in your lifetime eat Haggis. Smile at old ladies, they love it! Never succumb to road rage, blow kisses instead as it incenses the other driver even more. Listen to music loudly, and if your ears start to tingle, turn it up! Its natures way of telling you that your ears are enjoying it. Never try and work out how Cain and Abel managed to have families, considering they were the first children of Adam and Eve, it only leads to a headache and really no-one gives a fuck. Donate to charity once in a while… you never know when you might need charity one day. Do not drink alcohol-free lager… whats the point! Walk instead, you lazy bastards, and leave the car. Always suck in the helium from a balloon and sing loudly. Never do this at a christening though. Take every opportunity to cradle a newborn baby… they’re soft and smell of love and innocence…. Unless they have poo-ed in which case hand them back. Never think about how big the universe is… its too large for our tiny brains to compute, and it will make us nauseous. Eat a bag of carrots before you go out for a booze up… then when you puke people will be amazed at the amount of carrots, and all the time you can say “but I never eat carrots”. If you see a dwarf trip over in the street… laugh... its funny. In fact laugh a lot… it releases endorphins and these endorphins get caught up in the same nets as tuna… so apparently its good to release endorphins, as they are an endangered species. Visit Scotland at least once in your life… and I will take you for a dram, and we’ll laugh, and we’ll get drunk… and then we can count the carrots in our vomit whilst we sing Immortality.